This paper is written for those who have already read our book, The Feedback Breakthrough, and wish to explore the topic further. This article offers alternatives for dealing with people who use feedback to intimidate, control, and punish.

“When angry, count to ten before you speak;
if very angry, 100.”
—Thomas Jefferson

Feedback Defined

Feedback is information about your past behavior or performance that can help you (1) align your actions with your goals and (2) improve your performance. Sometimes this information will sound like a gentle reminder, a thoughtful suggestion, or helpful advice. At other times it may be laced with sarcasm, buried in a back-handed compliment, handed down in an unfair judgment, spliced into a sharp rebuke, or even hidden in a calculated insult. Regardless of its form, feedback can help you make better decisions about how to reach your goals.

Given this definition, a successful feedback conversation is one in which the recipient (a) learns from the feedback and (b) uses what they learn to achieve their goals. The purpose of feedback should always be to serve the interests and needs of the receiver. One potential sign that someone is a psychological bully is when the feedback they give consistently serves only their own needs and interests. In the hands of a bully, feedback becomes a vehicle for verbal abuse.

Our advice from The Feedback Breakthrough, to treat all feedback as a gift, should not be misconstrued to suggest that you need to tolerate verbal abuse from others. Neither are we giving people license to deliver feedback any way they please.

Name-calling, shouting, denigrating comments, and threats—explicit or implied—all fall into the category of verbal abuse.

Our research shows that honest feedback will often hurt, even when it is tactfully delivered and motivated by the best of intentions. But we also know that psychological bullies exist and we need to distinguish between pain that is a natural part of the growing process and pain that is deliberately inflicted by a bully. In the absence of pushback, these abusers often feel emboldened to continue. By treating abusive feedback as a gift, you could unwittingly “feed the monster” and make matters worse.

Some psychological bullies take pleasure in cruelty and inflicting emotional pain. When you respond to their feedback without flinching—when you refuse to be intimidated—you deprive them of their satisfaction. At this point, they will often take their bullying elsewhere.

On the other hand, some psychological bullies have a pathological need to control or dominate others. These bullies will see your composure as a challenge to their dominance, and they may increase the pressure before backing off.

It is important to remember that some people who resort to bullying tactics are simply insecure individuals who lack sophisticated social skills. They mistakenly believe that the only way they can get others to cooperate is through threats and intimidation. In this paper we offer techniques for dealing with both intentional and unintentional bullies at work.

Psychological bullies often justify their behavior by presenting themselves as models of openness and honesty, but in reality there’s little difference between them and the common schoolyard bully. They use words rather than fists to dominate or inflict pain, but the intent remains the same.

You have three options when dealing with psychological bullies:

1. Receive the feedback using the recommended four-step process. This approach shows that you can’t be intimidated and honors the principle to “assume the giver is acting in good faith.” Treating feedback as a gift may be enough to bring about change, especially if the feedback giver is socially inept rather than an intentional psychological bully. If this approach doesn’t work, move to Option 2.

2. Coach them on how they can increase their influence by giving more effective feedback:

• Begin a conversation with the offending party by explicitly asking for their help (i.e. do not set it up as a feedback conversation). Explain that you want to have a good working relationship with them and want to learn from their experience and feedback.
• Express appreciation for their willingness to give you feedback. Acknowledge that you believe their intent in giving you feedback is to help you be more successful, which is why you’re initiating this conversation.
• Explain that you sometimes struggle to be responsive to their feedback because of how it is delivered. Be specific about the aspects of the delivery that make it hard for you to learn from their feedback.
• Suggest ways they can help you learn from and respond positively to their feedback. Don’t focus on how they have given you feedback in the past; focus on how you’d like them to given you feedback in the future.
• Throughout the conversation, keep this principle in mind: never demand as a right that which can be asked as a favor. Most people, including bullies, respond better to requests than to demands, because demands make them feel like they’re surrendering their autonomy; requests leave them feeling empowered. On occasion it may be necessary to make a demand or draw some boundaries, but do so only if they refuse to accede to your request, and they have done so at least twice.
• End by asking them whether they would be willing to give you feedback in the way you described. If they agree, thank them. And the next time they offer you feedback, acknowledge their effort to be more helpful even if they don’t pull it off perfectly. If, however, they choose not to honor your request, you may need to move to Option 3.

Options one and two above build on a principle attributed to Napoleon Bonaparte: “Never ascribe to malice that which can be explained by incompetence.”

3. If these first two approaches fail, the person may be a genuine psychological bully. If so, you have three more options. The first is to clearly and calmly explain your boundaries and what you will do should those boundaries be crossed. (Only do this if you are committed to following through.) The second option is to take your concerns to HR or up the chain of command. Most companies today understand the impact of a hostile work environment on employee morale and retention, and they are unlikely to treat bullying lightly. If the person is a psychological bully, others in your organization will likely have shared your experiences. You will do your entire organization a favor by shining a light on the bully and the resulting hostile work environment.

Notwithstanding options one and two above, we recognize that in some organizations bullies are tolerated if they deliver impressive short-term results. These bullies pump up short-term profits by liquidating the human capital of the organization at a fraction of its true value. If senior leaders cannot or will not take action, your third option is to sever ties as soon as you can. This might include one of several approaches: avoid contact with the bully, get a transfer, or update your resumé and start looking for a new opportunity.

Finally, if you are in a personal relationship with someone who is psychologically or physically abusive, seek professional counseling and help as soon as possible: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

You Don’t Have to Take It

At a previous company, I had a manager who often shouted at employees, but for some reason I escaped his wrath for a long time. Then one day he started yelling at me. I was caught off guard and had no idea how to respond. Finally, I stood up and said, “I can’t take this,” and walked out of his office. The next day he came to me and apologized. He never shouted at me again, although he continued to shout at everyone else.
—Boeing Technical Professional

It is important to note that this manager continued to bully others in the office, but not the employee who drew a boundary and refused to submit to his abuse. Remember, when you submit to insults, they are likely to persist.

Don’t Confuse Straight-Talkers with Bullies

The most valuable criticism I ever received was at the start of my career. I had written my first technical report and was fully expecting accolades from my manager. After reviewing the report my manager said, “You’re not at university anymore,” then promptly threw my report in the trash.

I was shocked; she certainly got my attention. Figuring out where I’d gone wrong became my top priority, so I immediately asked her a lot of questions. I learned that the approach to report writing that had earned me A’s at university totally missed the mark in the corporate world. I learned that managers use technical reports to make business decisions, not to assess the intelligence of subordinates. They don’t want a detached academic analysis of the situation. They need me to have a point of view and to make specific and well-reasoned recommendations. That feedback, as tactless as it was, taught me more about what I needed to do to get ahead in my career than an entire year in graduate school.

—Fidelity Investments Manager

Does throwing someone’s report in the trash constitute bullying? It might, or it might not. It would depend on the broader context, including the motivations and demeanor of the feedback giver. Either way, we would never condone throwing anyone’s report into the trash. This case does, however, highlight two traits effective mentors often share: they have high standards and are not shy about telling you when you fall short of expectations. Mentors might not always be as tactful or as clear as you would like—in fact, “curmudgeon” describes some of these mentors better than “diplomat”—but you always know when there is a problem that needs your attention, and you know they want to see you succeed.

When given harsh or unkind feedback, most people take offense. Smart people take notes. The individual in this case study understood the key to differentiating oneself: what you learn in the classroom is available to everyone, so it’s what you learn outside the classroom that really sets you apart.

It is not in your best interests to assume that someone is a psychological bully solely on the basis of their delivery style. Discomfort is the norm in almost all feedback conversations. That discomfort will be felt more acutely by some than by others, based on their prior experiences with receiving criticism. We encourage you to push through the discomfort you might experience when receiving feedback; acknowledge the discomfort, and remind yourself that there is a gift to be found by following the Four Steps for Receiving the Gift of Feedback (see page 65 in The Feedback Breakthrough). If that doesn’t work, please pursue options 2 and 3 as discussed earlier. And if you often feel strong emotions when on the receiving end of the criticism, please take time to read and reflect on our blog, “How to Manage Your Emotions: Seven Powerful Techniques to Help You Keep Your Head When All Around You Are Losing Theirs”

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“Bullying happens because weak people need to prop up their
ego by beating up or humiliating others.”
—Bruce Dickinson